When you speak like that, it does make sense. [But he still can't help but think he could've—done something more, fought harder, been better. Or at least put more effort into it.] Then I remember that it was much easier for me than most to sink into the role.
[Because it was sink into it or let the grief swamp him, and at least the role kept his mind off the feeling of Zulius's corpse in his arms.]
If I'm busy, doesn't that mean I'm all right? If I weren't, I'd be stumbling about drunk and near-useless.
I dunno about anyone else but it was too easy for me too
In her case, it was more or less her own natural inclinations, after all. Just exaggerated out of proportion, and lacking her normal ability to switch to a more serious mindset when needed.
I know what you mean but
well I guess you said you were already hired for a job so you have to do it now anyway, but after that's done just being busy isn't the same as things being alright you know?
Easier than facing up to the rest of it, to the horrors that kept visiting us the whole time.
Maybe not, but there's not exactly a way to set it all aright. The cabin and the world it was in is gone, and good riddance to it. Everyone who died back there is alive again. It's as if it never really happened.
I think that's just how stuff like that works. It gets in your head and makes you think it's normal, even if after it's obvious that it's not. It messes with the things you want most, or are most afraid of. And this time felt like it was constantly fighting, too, not something that breaks if you manage to snap out of it once.
But it did happen though, and
even if everyone's back, that doesn't mean losing them didn't hurt
[He thinks of Zulius's body in his arms, the blood staining his sleeves. He'd tried to get him out. He really had. They'd walked right into a trap and Edward had known it was almost certain to be a trap but he'd let it happen anyway and his friend had died in his arms, once again.]
It kept coming back. Every time you'd slip out of its grasp, it'd catch you again and the worst part was, sometimes it just felt much easier to let it happen than to fight it.
It did. The best balm I've found for that hurt is a lot of rum, and barring that, something to do either to make sure that it doesn't happen again, or to just keep your mind occupied. So perhaps I'm not all right, but I will be soon enough.
I think it felt easy because it was so strong. That sort of thing, part of the trick is that it makes you think it IS normal, that that's how it's supposed to be. But you can't just say it's not my fault and blame yourself, because if anyone would know how to fight that sort of thing it should have been me. It wasn't the same, but I had similar things happen before, back in my world.
Stuff like that doesn't stop it from hurting though. It just makes it a little bit easier to ignore. But it's still always there. No matter how long it's been.
I promised that this time I'd try not to do that. That I'd let myself be sad. I know you talked about having a trip you need to do, but maybe after that you could try too.
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text; do you want to assume this is before or after she talked to Waver?
it wasn't your fault either
text; maybe after!
Are you all right?
works for me!
I'm okay
what about you?
no subject
I've got more rum than I know what to do with and a lot of work to do before I head out to Europe, so I'm more than all right.
no subject
That sounds more just like you're busy.
no subject
[Because it was sink into it or let the grief swamp him, and at least the role kept his mind off the feeling of Zulius's corpse in his arms.]
If I'm busy, doesn't that mean I'm all right? If I weren't, I'd be stumbling about drunk and near-useless.
no subject
In her case, it was more or less her own natural inclinations, after all. Just exaggerated out of proportion, and lacking her normal ability to switch to a more serious mindset when needed.
I know what you mean but
well I guess you said you were already hired for a job so you have to do it now anyway, but after that's done just being busy isn't the same as things being alright you know?
no subject
Maybe not, but there's not exactly a way to set it all aright. The cabin and the world it was in is gone, and good riddance to it. Everyone who died back there is alive again. It's as if it never really happened.
no subject
But it did happen though, and
even if everyone's back, that doesn't mean losing them didn't hurt
no subject
It kept coming back. Every time you'd slip out of its grasp, it'd catch you again and the worst part was, sometimes it just felt much easier to let it happen than to fight it.
It did. The best balm I've found for that hurt is a lot of rum, and barring that, something to do either to make sure that it doesn't happen again, or to just keep your mind occupied. So perhaps I'm not all right, but I will be soon enough.
[No he won't.]
no subject
Stuff like that doesn't stop it from hurting though. It just makes it a little bit easier to ignore. But it's still always there. No matter how long it's been.
I promised that this time I'd try not to do that. That I'd let myself be sad. I know you talked about having a trip you need to do, but maybe after that you could try too.